Soft on the Inside--Hard on the Outside

I remember my first opportunity to be in senior leadership – I wanted the role, but I didn’t want it. My fear was that I would lose who I was as a leader currently; that is, I would have to become so tough and hard in order to cope that my softer side would not have any space. I was just beginning to discover that it was important to me to be who I was as a leader – a Christian woman who valued the ‘soft’ side of relationship and leadership.
That was more than 15 years ago and still for me the quintessential question is: What does a Christian woman in leadership look like? It has been a wonderful journey and God has provided many answers to that question along the way.
Recently I have been reflecting on another ‘answer’ to that question. The past five years in leadership have really challenged me in my faith, my courage, my stamina, and my belief in myself. At times I wanted to build a shell so hard around me that nothing could penetrate; at other times, I would feel vulnerable and exposed and didn’t know how to find the support and help I needed. Because I didn’t want to lose what I valued in leadership, I began to think about how to become ‘hard on the outside’ (so that I wouldn’t be demobilized by the stresses and hurts of leadership) while remaining ‘soft on the inside’ (retaining attributes like vulnerability, empathy, caring and affection). I didn’t see how one could have the hardness without giving up the softness.
One day my good friend and coach gave me an analogy to reflect on – the Ocean Oyster. As you know, the oyster has a very hard outer shell, but when it opens up, you see the soft inside. The oyster has to live in a very stressful environment yet somehow they retain that inner softness. And they do this even though they have to open themselves up to feed so they can continue living. This was perfect – I wanted to be just like that Ocean Oyster!
But the other interesting thing about oysters is that they produce beautiful pearls over time from the grit and ‘hard things’ that find their way past the shell into the soft inside. This too felt familiar but it didn’t feel like I was producing any pearls from my experiences; it just felt like my soft inside was being destroyed.
My understanding is that the oyster, when the ‘hard thing’ makes its way past the shell into the soft side, it doesn’t reject it. Instead, it takes it in, wraps itself around it, works with it and over time, a pearl is produced. This too felt right – why go through the trials of leadership if they can’t produce something worthwhile in your life, in your character, and in your leadership. All the more reason why I wanted to be just like that Ocean Oyster!
I have learned over time that you need a hard shell in leadership but that doesn’t mean that you have to be hard on the inside. And I have also learned that you need to open up your shell to let in the ‘hard things’ so that your soft side can wrap itself around it, work with it, try to understand it, be vulnerable with it, and then make something beautiful out of it – say, the pearls of Christian women in leadership.
While I don’t always know what it looks like to do this, I do know that I want to be more like that Ocean Oyster.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything…. Blessed are those who persevere under trials, because when they have stood the test, they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.” James 1:2-4, 12

Pat Webb is the Director of Development at McMaster Divinity College